I’m getting married in December and in order to get married in the church we want we have to do go to marriage counseling through a priest. It’s a very weird situation because I’m getting marriage counseling from a guy that isn’t allowed to get married or touch women. Getting marriage counseling from a priest is like getting financial advise from a homeless guy. He’s all like, “I think you should diversify your canned goods, now if you excuse me I’m going to go shit in a box.” It just doesn’t make sense. My girlfriend was getting upset at me because he gave us hand outs to read and I was writing jokes all over the hand outs. He asked me why I wanted to get married and I told him I’m a comic, I’m getting married for the divorce material. He said we need to sacrifice each other like Jesus did so I killed my fiance and baked her into biscuit form. “God speaks to all of us and asks many things of us, you need to let God speak to you.” I’m not quite sure I want God to talk to me. Everyone that God asked something of, something shitty happened to them. Abraham was asked to kill his son, Noah was asked to watch the world drown, and Jesus was asked to off himself so we could continue to be shitty. God’s like that neighbor that asks for sugar, but progressively asks for more. “Can I borrow your car?” “Can I borrow your wife?” “If you need me, I’ll be in your car with your wife.”


Marriage gets a bad rap and I have to admit, I’m not it’s biggest fan.  50% of first marriages end in divorce.  So essentially your first marriage goes down to a coin flip as to whether it will last or not.  A guy came up to me after a show and told me I shouldn’t get married because marriage sucks.  ”I’ve been married 4 times, it sucks.” Have you ever thought it’s you that sucks and not marriage itself? I can’t dunk a basketball (I’m 5’5 and very white), but it’s not because basketball sucks, it’s because I suck at basketball.  It’s easy to blame the institution of marriage for your failure, but maybe you’re a dick and no one can stand to be around you.  I’m no expert on marriage and I don’t claim to be and I witnessed my fair share of marriages fall apart for various reasons.  I’m not even married yet and I don’t know if it will work out in the end, but no one gets married under the pretense that it will end in failure.  Besides, I’m catholic and if I get divorced, I won’t be allowed to eat Jesus cookies anymore.